So your partner wants to have a baby. You want to be child-free. How do you get on the same page about whether or not to start a family?

Over the past 50 years, Merle Bombardieri, a psychotherapist and author of The Baby Decision, has been helping couples with this exact conundrum. She says this is one of the most common questions she gets.

For many couples, there is a middle ground, so long as you’re able to stay open to different possibilities, Bombardieri says.

“A lot of times, people can actually find a solution that will work for both of them,” she says.

Bombardieri shares advice and exercises to help couples navigate the divide and find compromise — while minimizing regret in the process.

Aim for 80% certainty

Bombardieri says couples will often seek her help because they want to feel 100% certain about their decision. But for the vast majority of people, that’s just not realistic.

“Most people are never going to feel totally sure because they’re aware of what they’re going to miss from the other side,” Bombardieri says. So being 80% sure is “as solid as it gets.”

If you feel some ambivalence about being a parent or being child-free, that’s OK. It’s a common emotion when both paths carry risks and rewards, Bombardieri says.

Remember that either decision might lead to some regret, she says. So don’t ask if you will regret your decision. Ask, which decision you will regret least?

“When people think they have to make the perfect choice, they paint themselves into a corner,” Bombardieri says.

(For more help making hard decisions, read our interview with decision coach Nell Wulfhart.)  

Sit with your own feelings first — literally

Bombardieri advises those on the fence about parenthood to try an exercise called the “chair dialogue.” It can deepen both parties’ understanding of what it means to have a baby or be child-free.

ImaZinS RF

hide caption

toggle caption

ImaZinS RF

One way to help couples get closer to certainty is a solo exercise called the “chair dialogue.” Bombardieri says it can often lead to surprising self-discovery, and help couples gain a deeper understanding of each other’s true motivations.

Here’s how it works:

First, block out some time alone in a quiet space. Grab two chairs and face them toward each other. One chair will be the “parenthood” chair and the other will be the “child-free” chair.