1. Old man yells at robot

by Mike Solana, Editor in chief 

Hot on the tail of former abundance proponent Ezra Klein’s proposed hamstringing of the model labs in the pages of the NYT, America’s foremost old communist, Bernie Sanders, unleashed his “Ban Artificial Superintelligence Act,” prompting immediate endorsement from Doom Prophet Eliezer Yudkowsky, with the enthusiastic support, we presume, of his devoted followers. Details: Bernie’s act would “pause” “advanced AI,” permanently ban “superintelligence,” jail any American still working on advanced AI or superintelligence for twenty years, and ask China to… please stop building superintelligence (advanced AI still fine however). Then, if our fascist foreign adversary fails to cooperate, as they have failed to cooperate through that nation’s entire history, America “may” stop selling them some of our technology. Why, if I didn’t know any better I’d think Sanders just hated America and wanted us to die. But that’s crazy, it’s not like he honeymooned in the Soviet Union or something.

2. California is doing really well

by Nicole Wizman, writer 

For a few months, I’ve been reporting on the utter dysfunction that makes California a touchstone for everything wrong with the Democratic Party. Billions spent on housing facilities that are so unpleasant (thanks in part to abusive guards) that people feel safer on the streets. Billions spent on migrant shelters, overseen by Xavier Becerra (probs our next governor btw), that may have sent kids to sex-trafficking rings. And now *sheds a single tear* literal typhus-carrying rats (!!) are responsible for hospitalizing six people “as cases continue to rise across the county,” per the health department. But don’t worry, maybe these rats, which are traveling in PACKS according to (my) eye-witness testimony, can somehow be a new form of transportation in lieu of the $15.6 billion high-speed rail promised to us by intern- and hooker-loving Jim Costa. Lord, grant me protection from various flea-borne illnesses, violent criminals, horny bureaucrats and also…oh my God… what’s this about Nile-virus carrying mosquitos??

3. Your right to property has been aborted

by Riley Nork, Writer

Today we check in on the battle to seize private property in the state of California via unrealized asset seizure — also known as the biggest gift for Miami real estate since Al Gore’s Inconvenient Truth proved to be more of an Inconvenient Exaggeration — where Planned Parenthood’s surprising opposition to the Prop 40 “Billionaire Tax” has irked a few clinic employees. Dozens of Planned Parenthood workers signed a public letter criticizing California affiliate CEO Jodi Hicks, while a new ad / accompanying website features a clinic worker blasting Hicks for “siding with billionaires.” Planned Parenthood’s Board of Directors, meanwhile, says this is simply the work of Dave Regan, the union boss spearheading the tax, who was recently busted for allegedly intimidating and attempting to extort fellow labor leaders in his attempt to get this thing passed. Oh, what’s that? You think communist property theft is bad? Perhaps this abortion clinic receptionist recruited by a hothead union organizer will change your mind.

Pirate Wires offers the wildest stories in technology, politics and culture.

Download The California Post App, follow us on social, and subscribe to our newsletters