1. California’s wildfire moonshot

By Blake Dodge, writer

Last week, California announced the launch of satellites meant to detect wildfires from space, and the program is… fitting.

In one corner, you have tech companies trying to do the Lord’s work: Muon Space built the satellite system; SpaceX hauled it into orbit; and Google made the AI it’ll use to spot fires.

In the other corner, you have the political machine, featuring Gavin’s digs at Trump (re: the admin’s Forest Service cuts, etc.) and a “global nonprofit coalition” (gulps), which is tasked with “aligning” the program’s “collective efforts.”

And somewhere in the middle, you have CAL FIRE, which does a pretty good job, you know, putting out fires when it’s not hamstrung by said political machine.

Listen, this is all great stuff. But I’ll be monitoring the situation from my new apartment in Sacramento, which I’m confident — thanks to the global nonprofit coalition getting those efforts nice and aligned — won’t burn down while I am inside of it.

2. Surrender Half or Face My Wrath!!

by Nicole Wizman, writer

In a letter addressed to the CEOs of OpenAI, Anthropic and Meta, Bernie Sanders has called for a “pause” in all AI development, claiming these companies are “losing control” of a technology “nobody can fully understand.”

OK. First, I’ve gotta say I find this kind of rich given you just said the US should work with China, a country whose official policy is to “vigorously develop” AI and which uses it to literally suppress dissent.

And look, I understand you’re old as hell, and so maybe genuinely don’t remember this???

But then you also went and introduced a bill demanding “we” (you) “reclaim” AI by forcing every major AI company to surrender 50% of its stock to a public wealth fund.

So which is it — pause AI, or steal it? Never mind, I don’t care, and anyway this isn’t worth it. God knows you won’t remember that we had this conversation. Please retire!

3. Woke 2: The Genderfluid Two-Spirit Pansexual Strikes Back

by Riley Nork, writer

In a recent interview with ABC News, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez offered a succinct response when asked about some of Wisconsin gubernatorial candidate Francesca Hong’s prior positions (police, prisons, ICE, capitalism, Thanksgiving, joy, fun, etc. should all be abolished): “Woke 1 was crazy.”

The congresswoman went on to elaborate that the “craziness” in question was spurred by the COVID lockdown, which AOC said opened the “Overton window” for revolutionary policies (‘sorry, there’s a respiratory virus going around, we must disband the police department’).

Quick follow-up question: Which part of “Woke 1” do you find crazy now, AOC?

Do you still believe menstruation isn’t just for women, as you tweeted in 2021?

As someone with presidential aspirations, maybe offer voters a little more than “golly shucks, I was a wild girl back in the day.”

Until then, I will be using the same defense in my public intoxication trial (your honor, Alcoholism 1 was crazy).

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