Women are losing their minds this fall and it’s not over pumpkin spice lattes.

Before I get pummeled in a Zoom pile-on from a bunch of commie lesbians, allow me to correct myself: Woke is losing it/its mind.

Again.

Remember when everyone wrote woke’s eulogy?

“It’s a vibe shift,” they said.

“Woke 1.0 was craaaazy,” AOC said, laughing off teens getting destroyed for smirking.

For a brief minute it looked like the normies had wrested control of the culture back from the crazies.

I regret to inform you, we did not.

If you thought Woke 1.0 was crazy, Woke 2.0 is psychotic.

This week I read two stories back to back that made me realize woke never died — it just went off-the-grid in western Massachusetts and went for a spray tan in Philly.

Exhibit A: Philadelphia. Hannah Gann, a veteran public-school teacher (it’s always a teacher, because universities are wet markets for the woke mind virus), spent years telling the local activist scene she was a Palestinian or a Tunisian or whatever the moment called for, I guess.

A Gaza “scholasticide” teach-in billed her as Palestinian American.

Then her comrades sat her down and she folded after an hour, ‘fessing up that she had no Palestinian heritage whatsoever.

Her grandfather? He was born in Baltimore.

The activists were furious, saying she hit people up for money, claiming she was broke from sending cash to relatives in Palestine.

But it turns out Gann is Jewish — and her family abroad is in Israel.

It’s just more evidence that #FreePalestine is the new BLM.

In her Instagram confession, Gann groveled she’s a “white woman of significant privilege and wealth.”

But honestly, by woke’s own rules, what did she do wrong?

This is a movement that says men can get pregnant.

If you can identify into possessing a uterus, why can’t you identify your family tree into Ramallah?

Maybe Hannah has a Palestinian soul and she was born in the wrong body.

Why does gender self-ID get you a book deal and racial self-ID get you a struggle session? Make it make sense.

Exhibit B: Greenfield, Mass. (is there something in the water, Massachusetts?), where, per the Boston Globe, men in ponytails and N95s flock to order hibiscus tea.

I’m not making that up. I couldn’t make that up.

Meet Last Ditch, a lesbian bar that required N95 masks at all times. In the year-of-our-Lord 2026.

It was going broke (because woke), so it made Saturdays mask-optional and gently broke the news to its “immunocompromised disabled divas.”

Everyone responded reasonably. Just kidding.

No, the bar’s owners were denounced as ableist and eugenicists, and one commentator hoped the place got firebombed.

The bar attempted to apologize but the apology got dragged too, because the graphic had no alt-text for the vision-impaired.

Then came the community meeting, and I really need you to picture it.

Masked adults in a circle on a dance floor with a stripper pole in the center.

Two mediators, and a calming breath circle.

Everyone got two-minute turns. There was a Zoom peanut gallery.

The meeting went for three and a half hours.

Then the Zoom crowd attacked the mediator for being a white therapist, and the 26-year-old owner who got stuck with a $50,000 loan after her two co-founders bailed (one for clown school, I swear to God), broke down crying.

She was promptly informed her tears were racist.

You cannot convince me this isn’t the plot of a Christopher Guest film.

Laugh, I did. But underneath the clown-school comedy is something darker.

The Last Ditch bar’s own regulars are fantasizing about it getting torched.

And in Philly, a woman in a costume spent years earning the trust of mostly black teenagers by pretending to share their oppression.

That’s what makes Woke 2.0 even scarier than the original.

They’re so sure they’re the good guys that anything goes: lying, conning people out of cash, shooting executives or campus speakers, wishing arson on a bar for lifting its mask mandate in 2026.

Woke didn’t die. It was hibernating.

And judging by this week, it woke up hungry.

Bridget Phetasy is the host of the “Dumpster Fire” and “Walk-Ins Welcome” podcasts, and author of the upcoming book “The Left Can’t Meme: How Comedy Wins Culture Wars.”