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Your toddler is whining for apple juice. Your big kid is asking for more screen time. Your boss is pinging you with a last-minute request. All of a sudden, your nervous system is on the fritz — and you’re about to fly off the handle.

If you feel like you lose your temper with your family more often than you’d like, there’s a way to slow down and reset, says licensed marriage and family therapist and mom of three Cassidy Freitas.

The trick is to find refuge in “the margins,” or the small in-between spaces in your day, she argues in her new book published in June, Mom Needs A Moment. 

“When I feel dysregulated [as a parent], so often what I’m desperate for is space. Just give me a moment,” Freitas says. It’s a sentiment she hears from her clients — many of whom are struggling moms.

Having that space is crucial, Freitas says. It allows parents to calibrate their emotions so they can show up better for themselves and their families. That’s an especially hard feat for today’s burned-out parents, who are putting more time into child care and work than they were two decades ago, according to the U.S. Surgeon General’s 2024 advisory.

Freitas shares advice on how to cool down or get ahead of big emotions in three tough (but common) parenting scenarios.

Workman Publishing Company/Merill Melideo/NPR

The situation: You’re stressed this morning. Your big kid is late for school, your little one needs his diaper changed and … where are the keys?  

The fix: Place your hand on your chest as a reminder to reset — and take a deep breath. 

In moments of high parental stress, Freitas will often put a hand to her chest. “That’s always where that urgency and that dysregulation lives in me.”

That hand-to-the-chest motion is a quick cue to herself — and to her kids — that it’s time for mom to take a beat. She uses that small bit of space to take a few slow, intentional breaths with extended exhales. That practice helps reset her nervous system and keep her calm.

Then, once you’ve made it to the other side of that would-be mom-rage, try to gather data from that moment. “Anger can show up as a protector emotion when underneath we might feel overwhelmed or unheard,” says Freitas.

So reflect on the true source of your anger. Are you worried about being judged by parents or teachers if you drop off your kid late? Getting to the root of the problem can help you make better choices in the future.