Depending on who you ask, critics such as myself are either totally irrelevant relics of the past like almanacs or sundials — Hollywood’s dream scenario — or snarling Godzillas who go around crushing poor, innocent movies to death with relish.

Well, it was clear which reality was true last weekend.

After some scathing reviews, Tom Cruise’s “Digger” became the flop heard ‘round the world. Tom tanked so hard, his wreck is on track to be one of the biggest flops of all time. 

Much as I enjoy quoting myself, my favorite line actually came from my very reasonable pal David Rooney of the Hollywood Reporter. 

“You watch in excruciating weariness as it disappears up its own ass and then realize to your dismay that there’s another eardrum-shattering hour left to endure,” wrote King Ghidorah, excuse me, David. 

After the critiques dropped, “Digger”’s domestic box office projections dove off a cliff like Agent Ethan Hunt: $20 million (dire to begin with) slipped to $15 million to its eventual sad, sad $8 million. Even fellow failure “Masters of the Universe” opened to $29 million.

Keep in mind that “Digger” — a message-heavy meta satire from the director of “Birdman” about an oil tycoon facing an environmental catastrophe — reportedly cost between $135 million and $180 million to make. That’s a staggering budget for what it is. Less arthouse, more art-mansion.

Even so, there is a palpable sense that Hollywood is shocked that critics would do this to Tom Cruise, who they tend to place nice with. They’re even more flabbergasted that our kvetching worked. Cruise should be critic-proof, they figure. To them, in a just world, everything should be.

These days Herculean efforts are taken to circumvent the honest opinions of professional reviewers. 

The stars go film cute videos making pizzas at the New York Times. 

They sit down on happy podcasts like “Good Hang with Amy Poehler” and “Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend” and chat for an hour about their childhoods and first jobs. 

Most nauseatingly, my Page Six Hollywood colleague Tatiana Siegel reported that “Digger” had a special trailer launch event to butter up influencers. Attendees got to pose for a professional photo with Cruise. Naturally those freeloaders all think “Digger” is better than “The Godfather.”

See? Tom and Co. did everything right to defang Manohla Dargis of the New York Times, Kyle Smith of the Wall Street Journal, Owen Gleiberman of Variety and David Erlich of IndieWire. And little old me, of course.

Whoops. Didn’t work. Those five very different critics all hated it.

Now, Hollywood is manically scrambling to fix the disaster — kinda like Digger does! But that’s mission: impossible.

Warner Bros. released a desperate new clip seizing on the movie’s divisiveness and imploring audiences to “decide for yourself.” The subtext being, “…since we weren’t able to decide for you.”

And Anne Hathaway went on the cinephile website Letterboxd, and filed her first-ever review. Welcome to my lucrative field, Anne! Soon you too can have a fourth-floor walkup with one cabinet. 

“I loved this brilliant movie,” the movie star wrote. “It’s worth making the time [to] see and decide for yourself what you make of it. For me? 10/10.”

See? There’s that patronizing phrase again. The notion of critics swaying public opinion is absolutely repulsive to these people.

Could Hathaway’s passion come from the fact that she’ll star with Cruise next year in “Days of Thunder 2”? I wouldn’t dare suggest such a thing.

And oddly Jane Fonda jumped in the fight. Anti-critic activism, perhaps?

“The film allows us to witness another side of Tom Cruise’s courage,” Fonda wrote about him on Instagram like he’s Nelson Mandela. “It was a big, brave risk for him to take on this role and he was very good in it and very brave.”

Eh. Climbing the Burj Khalifa is brave. Slapping on prosthetics and speaking in a hokey Texas accent in a film from the director of “The Revenant” is shameless Oscar hunting. 

Cruise is every bit as transparent about his hunger for a statuette (he’s never won an Academy Award) as Timothée Chalamet was during “Marty Supreme,” except people actually liked that movie and it made money.

Maybe he’ll manage a pity nomination as a gesture against the cranky critics — the industry coming together to rebuke the horrible monsters who spend years seeing, pondering and analyzing all of their work. But he won’t win.

We’re not all bad, you know.

Like we did with “Marty” in 2025, reviewers have helped plenty of movies that were hardly sure things this year: “The Invite,” “Coyote vs. Acme,” “Project Hail Mary” and “Obsession,” among others.

But not Cruise’s broken-down vehicle, which sure is struggling because of us. Don’t go digging critics’ graves just yet.