1. Life, liberty and the pursuit of not being insane

by Nicole Wizman, writer 

Last Tuesday, Pirate Wires published an SF/CA ballot guide for the *not* mentally insane. Our recommendations start with Steve Hilton for governor.

Yes, he’ll probably lose, but he actually cares about California’s prosperity, unlike Xavier Becerra, the DUMMY who misplaced (?) thousands of migrant children, sometimes allegedly in trafficking situations (oopsie!).

We further endorse District 2 incumbent Stephen Sherrill, a Democrat recommended by Michael Bloomberg (capitalism’s in good hands).

As for the Board of Ed, we suggest Phil Kim, who wants Algebra I back in eighth grade, unlike opponent Brandee (never trust a woman named after alcohol), who opposes it in the name of equity … (this lady is literally saying black people can’t do math).

Also: Don’t vote for District 8’s Gary McCoy, who supports supervised drug-use sites — an idea just as stupid as one LA resident’s proposal for homeless masturbation stations.

Finally, say NO to Prop. 40, the wealth tax endorsed by devil-spawn Ro Khanna, whose face droops like our GDP will.

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2. Vote, for Pedro

by Riley Nork, writer 

With the November midterms fast approaching, and with the state of California still being evidently run by a pack of feral chimpanzees, the Trump administration has sent letters to the state bearing an important warning: ‘Hey dumbasses — you sent ballots to noncitizens.

Fix it, before the House majority gets decided by some illegal landscaper who just arrived from Tegucigalpa.’

Contained within the Justice Department’s letters was a list of people the admin believes are noncitizens who received mail-in ballots, as well as a demand that the state correct this error.

If they don’t comply, the admin intends to pursue “emergency” court intervention, though I trust California will do a thorough review here … elections in the state are famously secure and oh what’s that?

A literal dog voted in California recently? Well … for the voters in the state who aren’t illegal immigrants/canines: We remind you there’s a Voter ID ballot prop this year (please, PLEASE vote “yes”).

3. The greatest weirdo villain of our times

by Blake Dodge, writer 

This weekend, the Elizabeth Holmes documentary “You Can See Everything,” directed by Nathan Fielder and Lance Oppenheim, generated $15 million in sales — making it the biggest North American documentary opening since Michael Moore’s “Fahrenheit 9/11.”

We have, in other words, a normie hit on our hands, people, with the former tech (current normie) publication Wired describing it as “a singularly astonishing film.”

In fact, normies who’ve seen the film are reporting to Pirate Wires that the doc’s awkward strangeness had the audience gasping, clapping and laughing the entire time, especially where Elizabeth’s awkward strange husband is concerned.

It’s a funny moment for anyone familiar with Elizabeth’s history.

(It’s not cool to defraud investors and carry out horribly inaccurate blood testing for real patients.)

But I mean. It’s more than 10 years later and she’s still captivating our attention from literal prison. You kind of have to hand it to this kook. Stay weird, Liz.

Pirate Wires offers the wildest stories in technology, politics and culture.